I was at the pool today watching my children in the water. We have had such beautiful weather this summer. I love the sound of a pool. It is like white noise if you listen closely - kids laughing, splashing water, lifeguard whistles... I love the smells too - chlorine, sunscreen & french fries. On a beautiful day like today,the sun makes diamond like reflections off of the water.
I have not been taking advantage of this beautiful weather this summer. This has been a very different summer for me. I have been running around and things - great things and not too great things have been happening. I feel like someone has pushed a speed dial in my life and I can't get the speed under control.
My two beautiful children are now two fighting-each-other tweens. They are not paying attention to their required reading lists from school. They are very happy to be asked on many friend visit days and overnight stays. We have constant new telephone calls at our home. Of course, these calls are not for my husband or me. Is it time for their own cell phones? - that is whole different topic. Anyway, they are talking a lot but just not to Mom. They are asking Mom for "alone" time. They are growing. They are growing too fast and Mom wants to say "stop"!
It just all seems to be going so fast this summer. I feel like screaming "doesn't anybody know I am leaving for Nigeria in three weeks?" Something inside me snapped today as I was watching my children in the pool. I got really afraid. I thought - why am I doing this - leaving the children for two and a half weeks. My thoughts began spinning. They were going faster and faster and faster. I started to hyperventilate. I was starting to have a panic attack.
Thankfully, when I get going like this, I know it is time for ME to STOP. I know I need to stop and pray. I need to get quiet. I need to listen to Him. So this evening I did. Yes, I am going to Nigeria for two and a half weeks this summer. Mom may have been feeling a little distraught but my kids are taking it all very well just as they did last year. My husband is so supportive and took such good care of them last year that I think they are actually - well maybe - a little looking forward to fun days with Dad.
This evening when I prayed I realized that my fears are distractions for me right now because the only one upset is me. I know why I am going to Nigeria. I know why I want to go back.
The children's version of our adult homilies at Time Travelers are good for adults to listen to sometimes. The verse repeated over and over again at VBS this summer was "Fear not !", "Fear not !" I think I need to remember this one myself.